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Quick Reference For These Damn Confusing Scent Names

I Can Tell By The Way You Park Your Car - I Hate You 

(blood orange, cedar wood, patchouli, and vanilla)

We see you and your twisted ass parking. How is it not possible to fit that tiny car into the oversized space? Are you trying to protect your car from dents? We promise no one wants to key your fifteen year old Kia with half the bumper hanging off. Good thing we were able to use this fantastic scent to ground us with blood orange, cedarwood, patchouli, and vanilla; otherwise we might of rammed your car for the hell of it.

Don't Spew Profanities - Enunciate Them Like a Fucking Lady

(lavender, helichrysum, and frankincense)

Even if the rest of the world doesn’t notice it, you know that you deserve to be treated like fucking royalty. One way to do that is to lather your skin in this quenching scent that can comfort even the pickiest skin. With an amazing combination of lavender, helichrysum, and frankincense you will find yourself being pampered like you were living as a 16th century royal. If you like your head to stay on your damn shoulders be sure to watch out for that cad Henry VIII.

 Go Smudge Yourself

(clary sage, lavender, sweet orange, ginger)

For when more than your body needs cleansing. We all could use a good smudging every now and then for petty offenses: waiting in line at the grocery store and silently cursing the person in front of you for pulling out a checkbook or cutting someone off in traffic only to go five miles under the speed limit and trap them there. Go Smudge Yourself will not only help your skin stay lush and hydrated but with clary sage, it can also help keep you centered in more ways than one.

I Drink Because You're Boring

(lemon and lime)

So, maybe you’ve gotten a few too many of the side eye glances at the company Christmas party, but damn those fuckers are boring. You wouldn’t have to drink if they knew how to do anything besides sit around and dissect the latest boring ass episode of “Grey’s Anatomy” or some shit. But since there is an ultimatum this year and alcohol is not allowed, you can at least enjoy the fresh scent of a lemon lime Midnight Margarita after using this awesome product line. Just try not to get so desperate for some entertainment that you gnaw your arm off after putting this stuff on, okay?

Delicate Fucking Flower

(lavender)

Lavender is one of those tired scents that has been around since the dawn of time; however, it still smells fucking fantastic. The good thing is that since this fragrance has been around for forever and despite the fact that it is a delicate flower it is still something that can make you smell good and still be amazing for those moments when the world seems ready to fall apart. So just sit back and inhale deeply and try to use these floral scented products to calm the hell down whenever the day is just spinning out of control.

The Secret Ingredient is Resentment

(sweet orange, vanilla, and cedarwood)

You know that every time you go into the doctor’s office and see those motivational posters in the waiting room you daydream about ripping them off the walls. Who wants to look at a poster of a kitten telling us to “Hang in there” when we are at the freaking doctor? No one. If you are seeking to get your ass in gear it is far better to use these uplifting scented products featuring sweet orange, cedar wood  and vanilla…at least this way you won’t be tempted to crumple that poster up and shove it down the receptionist’s throat when she smiles and tells you the doctor has been delayed “Just fifteen more minutes.”

Jaded Bitch

(coffee and vanilla)

Admit it, you suck at life. But hey, at least the coffee makes it a little better. The only problem is you cannot conceivably down enough cups a day to keep your fix going, and then you sink back down to Resting Bitch Face and some jackhole thinks they have to comment on it. Good news is there is now a simple solution: use these products. You may not be able to consume a metric shit ton of coffee, but now you can at least smell like nectar of the gods while suffering your shitty life.

Feeling Stabby Today

(chocolate and vanilla)

Look, we all have those days when you just want to murder everyone in sight and the only thing that helps is chocolate. But we also know that we might gain an extra ten pounds if we even think about binge eating the damn stuff. So, we are back to wanting to cut that bitch that likes to give us sideways looks at the water fountain…you know who you are, Brenda. Well, now there’s another option, slather yourself up in Feeling Stabby Today products and next time you consider throat-punching Brenda you can just put your hands over your mouth and take a deep breath instead. It won’t be as rewarding, but it will keep you employed and out of jail.

 Stop Me, I'm Becoming My Mother

(lavender and rose)

All those years ago when you swore that you would never, ever, turn into your mother you had no idea that this day was coming. The day you twisted open the lid to a wonderfully fragrant lavender and rose product only to find that you liked the damn scent. All those small rebellions, all those ways in which you tried to travel a different path, they all led you back to this moment…dammit.

Sarcasm: One of My Many Talents

(Grapefruit, Spearmint, & Rosalina)

Are you one of those snarky asses that can’t say anything without it going a little sideways? Like you tried to join those mother's circles at the playdates, but every time you open your mouth pure unadulterated snark falls out. Last Thanksgiving you mother claimed you were hopeless; you told her it was genetic. If this sounds like you, then join the club. The good news is this is a safe place where you can say as much eye rolling crazy ass shit as you want and no one will judge. Best yet, you can revel in your talents with this Grapefruit, Spearmint, Rosalina, scent that is tailored just for your spunky, self-righteous, condescending self.